Thursday, November 20, 2014

Honesty is the usually the best policy

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I usually don't wax personal on here at all...It's been a visual space and a creative outlet since I started, and a way for me to feel creatively productive and connected to other like minded people in the midst of daily grind hard type things like having to take crappy jobs to put your husband through law school while living in the most expensive city in the world...etc. Since moving here to Tokyo, keeping this blog up has been nearly impossible- and I'm going to attempt to explain why. It's difficult to convey because some reasons are obvious and concrete, but other reasons are in my head clouds, and there are more ineffable things holding me back and weird invisible barriers only I can feel and even I don't fully understand..

The most straightforward reason is, Ryan used to help me with photos and now he is never available when the sun is shining. I always had full creative control over the settings on the camera, the locations of the shoots, and the composition and feel of the shots, but if I hadn't had Ryan there actually taking them, and understanding what I was going for, and having a great understanding of how to use the camera and compose well, many many of the shoots over the years would not have happened. New York is the not the middle of nowhere, and I've never been comfortable taking photos of myself in front of a tripod anywhere where people can see me. Central Park is not one of those places my friends. And here in Tokyo, tripods are not even allowed at half the parks, grounds, museums, and public places, so I wouldn't have the option even if I did have the gall.

These days Ryan leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night (the sun sets at 4pm anyway though) and when he is home on the weekends, we have to use that precious time to run all kinds of errands all over the city because I can't do them on my own since I can't speak or read Japanese. He is usually exhausted from the work week and would rather just stay home and chill anyway, and since it's always so crowded anywhere on the weekend, and neither of us feel enough energy or motivation, taking photos just usually doesn't happen. At least not with the actual camera we own. Phone photos are just always so much easier, and no one wants to lug a DSLR around while housewares or grocery shopping.

Another reason is I, myself am not comfortable in front the the camera anymore. I don't know what happened, but I just hit a wall one day. Back in January. I wanted to be more productive taking photos that mattered and were getting me somewhere as an artist. I was becoming more and more aware of my physical flaws in photos and growing more self conscious with every blog shoot I tried to keep up. My depression and anxiety symptoms got a lot worse in different ways. I lost drive, motivation, and inspiration. I was self conscious about my skin. My nose. I gained weight over the spring and summer. I looked different. I felt different. I just wanted to take lovely photos of other people, but didn't really know very many people to ask in my very isolated situation. I had no connections and no resources in New York, and living there really discouraged me and sapped my energy. At least I was able to visit home (Utah) fairly often thanks to cheap air fare between salt lake and nyc, and there I did have inspiring scenery, open space, secluded space, family and friends, and people to shoot. Being able to visit home a lot of extended periods of time is what kept me sane during those three years I think.

The blog started to become a source of frustration and confusion. Why couldn't I do this? It's not that hard. Things that used to come very easily to me were a huge struggle now. I started to feel like giving up even wanting to do photography. I couldn't afford to use film like I really wanted. My DSLR had been having serious focus issues for over a year now and photos were finicky and shoots were unpredictable which was incredibly frustrating. I couldn't afford to upgrade my camera either. And everywhere left and right photographers were all over the place and I felt like I had nothing to offer, no prospects, and no way of moving forward. And even when we tried to make the time to make a shoot happen, once the camera was on me and I would have an inward freak out and clam up and feel ugly and awkward and incapable of taking a good photo, and would of course end up unhappy with the results, and too uncomfortable to post them. And it all started to feel like a waste of time.

Since moving to Tokyo and living here for months now, the extreme isolation has exacerbated my anxiety and depression and made me into a much less functional person. I hope people can understand that while I am living in a majorly cool city with a lot to offer, and I know I should feel grateful and appreciate my surroundings, when the context of my situation is coloured with being alone all the time, not being able to communicate with anyone or read anything to get around or buy things on my own- not having any support system at all- no friends or family, it becomes a very different experience than expected. I can only handle to so much alone and by myself before it starts to feel pointless and trite. Shopping alone gets old, eating alone gets old, walking around gets old after a few days in a row. I've tried job hunting. Long and hard. So far it has gotten me nowhere. There is also a lot of red tape bureaucratically speaking when it comes to trying to work and find a job when already in Japan without a working visa. I thought I'd have no problem jumping into an English speaking job, but the market is actually quite oversaturated in Tokyo so many listings ask for 6-12 months prior teaching experience, which I don't have.

So the lack of work has left me with a lot of down time alone, and the problem with down time when you are alone and you have depression and anxiety is that the time does not become productive time or meaningful time, or time in which to prosper and grow. It becomes time to drown and become buried in your worries and fears and trepidations and paralyzed by your shortcomings and misgivings. There is this overwhelming, overpowering feeling of feeling completely hopeless and helpless, and totally incapable to doing anything. Even dishes. housework. drawing. reading. Simple everyday things any normal person should be able to do all of the time become these insurmountable, intimidating blocks. I'm able to write with more self awareness now about the situation, since it seems to come in waves, but when you are in the middle of a big swell, your own ability to step back from it feels washed away. It doesn't really feel like you have the capability to understand your brain and chemicals and circumstances are conspiring to make you believe something that might not be true. It all just feels really true and bad and negative and real at the time. I don't know how to explain it well enough- and I'm not meaning for this to be a post full of complaints and negativity, but I did want to try to give an honest explanation about what is going on with me.

I'm in a place where everything feels pointless and too hard. I'm in a place where motivation and inspiration feel like long lost friends I used to know in grade school. I'm in a place where I don't feel like myself at all. I'm in a place where even my marriage and relationship with my husband isn't a solid, constant source of love, happiness, and steadiness, and as a very romantic idealist it has been pretty shattering. Especially in such an isolated situation where oftentimes my source of pain is also my only source for anything else. And I'm definitely in a place where even if I do have time to take photos inside at least, I just don't feel up to it, and I know I'll end up hating how I look, etc, and it doesn't feel like it matters or means anything anyway, so why bother. I know I'm not the first or only person to go through this, which is partly why I'm writing so personally and so frankly. I might regret posting this- I don't know. But maybe someone else needs to hear they're not alone or they're not the only one, and or maybe someone has invaluable advice for me who had been there.

I'm trying things that might help- eating healthier, exercising more (although I was just sick for 2.5 weeks straight :/ ) going to an English speaking counselor, trying to be better about staying in touch with family and friends, etc. And I'm really really looking forward to Christmas when I'll be able to visit home again. Hopefully I'll be able to come back to Japan after the break with some sort of renewed hope and hopefully a chance to start working and staying more busy.

As for this blog space- not sure what's gonna happen- but I'm planning to do some posts highlighting some artists/ independent shop owners I find interesting to at least have some sort of productive content. So stay tuned.

22 comments:

  1. I love your blog and I have been following it for awhile now. I found a connection with you and your style and photography because it relates so much to mine and that is really hard to find these days with bloggers who are following new trends. I totally get what you are going through with the whole self confidence thing. I feel the same way. I am nearing the end of my college career in getting my BFA in photography and my last project I am working on is self portraits and it is towards the end of the project I really want to be done. I am sick of looking at myself and putting myself down and I developed a dislike for photography in general. I don't even want to pick up a camera for awhile and I am afraid ill feel like that for awhile. Its my way to express myself and its scary to think that i really hate it right now and what will I do after. Maybe just take a break for awhile and stop focusing and thinking that your blog has to be perfect. No one is perfect and if you are not in a good place right now then taking a break and relaxing and setting your mind at ease it the best thing. That is what I think is best for me. I don't know if this is at al helpful, I am not too good at advice, I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand everything you are going through, minus the living in a foreign country, and that it is totally okay to feel that way and to take a break from the blog or stop all together if you feel like you are done. I just feel like I have a lot in common with you and I felt like your words you wrote were somehow my words. Again, I just wanted to say that I am really glad I am not the only person feeling like this and it is nice to know other people go through this type of thing too, and even at the same time I am too. Thanks, I hope you feel better and thanks for writing this post. I really enjoyed it.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate your thoughts and commiseration and hope things get better for you too! <3

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  2. Kathryn, thanks for sharing with us your feelings. I understand how hard it must be to find yourself on a foreign place, with no more people than your husband (with the little time and exhaustion I totally also understand he has) to hang to - heck, I even feel this way in my own city due to the work stress. Tokyo is amazing, that's for sure, but also in such a big city it must be so hard to connect with people, specially when everyone is so reserved there, and more when you can't even ask for a pound of tomatoes without feeling conscious about not knowing the language. I absolutely adore your photography, I like when you are on the pictures and when you are only behind, you're always able to create a very special atmosphere to your pictures. But photography flows with our life, when I don't feel good the least thing I want to do is carry a camera with me. Maybe that depends on everyone, and I realize it may also be a kind of healing therapy for some. I really wish you the best warm time with your family during Christmas, I'm sure it will bring you the strength you need. When I feel like this I like to remember that really good things were always waiting around the corner just after the worst heartbreaking experiences, I know this will sound silly but its a thought that comforts me. Big hug.

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    1. Thank you Damaris! You've always been so supportive and I really appreciate it! I hope you can visit sometime when we're here in Tokyo and we can share our love of so many Japanese things<3

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  3. Kathryn, thanks for sharing your honesty. I say, do not be so hard on yourself. take a break. do whatever you need to do now. also, when you come to utah, lets hang out lots. come over and we can bake and watch Home Alone, or whatever other fun christmas movies. If you want me to help you with a photo shoot. I am your girl. I am super excited to see you soon. xo

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  4. I've been reading your blog for years, I always love your photography posts and your fashion posts. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so depressed, I hope that doing those positive things will help you. Being isolated in a place where you can't read or speak the language is really hard. Even if you are in a super cool place like Tokyo, that really limits the type of things you can do. I visited Japan for two weeks and I started to feel really weird and isolated by the end of it because I couldn't accurately communicate with the people around me. Just want you to know that you're not alone and thank you for sharing this with us. When I graduated college and couldn't find a job for 11 months I fell into a deep depression, it was exactly how you're describing your experience. Eventually the only things that started to make me come out of it was exercising (I started taking long bike rides) and having a set schedule of things I did every day. Oh, also talking to my friends and husband helped, too. Anyways, I hope your trip home for the holidays rejuvenates you and you feel better soon <3 -Leah M.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It's very relieving to know these feelings are understood by other people and I'm not totally crazy:/ it's also good to know you were able to come out of it! <3

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  5. love your blog and wishing you peace happiness thank you for sharing

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  6. I love you. Depression and anxiety are very difficult and extremely lonely burdens. I'm so glad you are aware of what's happening and working at solutions.
    Can't wait to see you in a few weeks!

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  7. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I can't imagine being that isolated and I completely understand why you're having a rough time with it. I love reading your blog and seeing your gorgeous photos and just know that I think you do an amazing job here even if you're not feeling inspired lately. You're a fantastic photographer and you're beautiful too even if you're having a hard time seeing it right now. The only advice I can give is what I do to try to combat anxiety, which is distract with something you enjoy doing or used to enjoy doing (because those hobbies can seem like they wouldn't be fun anymore but if I start doing them again I feel better.) I'm sure a lot of your hobbies are difficult in Tokyo without being able communicate effectively but even reading a book or watching a favorite movie can help. Anyway, I know that's probably not super helpful but good luck fighting through this crappiness. Things will get better!

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  8. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through all of this, I couldn't imagine what it must be like experiencing a language barrier and feeling the loneliness that you described on a daily basis. Even though it may not seem like it, you're a strong person for acknowledging those types of feelings and working to make the best of your situation.

    I don't know how much it means to hear these words from a stranger, but I went through something similar recently where I lost all of my confidence and motivation and my blog suffered. I actually didn't post for over a year because it got so bad, which in retrospect feels so stupid. Instead of my blog being a place where I could connect with like-minded people and create my own content to satisfy the void in my life, I scared myself into thinking it had to be a portfolio, that other people had to be impressed with it, that it had to be this perfect manifestation of who I was and that other people had to like it and read it and "get it" for it to matter. I also gained a lot of weight due to a new medication accompanied by body acne, and I picked out my flaws in a similar fashion to what you described, which I hadn't done to myself since I was a teenager. On top of that, I experienced some financial hardship, so I literally couldn't afford to blog and that just worsened the situation, making blogging seem like a chore, and I was never, ever satisfied with what I put on the page because I felt too vulnerable. I would approach people about wanting to work on projects and would be completely discouraged when people didn't see my vision or wouldn't follow through to the point where if I had an opportunity to work with some who was genuinely interested in seeing the project through, I would be the one to drop the ball and totally give up halfway through.

    It wasn't until recently that I realized that the space I had created just for myself was no longer mine, and it broke my heart.

    As much as I'm inspired by your style and your photography, if you feel that you need to take a break to get things in order and to find that creative spark that got you started in the first place, then go for it. I feel like being a blogger or pursuing another career or interest in a creative field today really gives way to a lot of different pressures, and there are a lot of expectations you feel like you have to live up to; it really kills productivity. Maybe try to think about this isolation as a way for you to get your mojo back, and although I know life is exhausting sometimes, you should challenge yourself to take photos. Even if you don't like them, even if you don't post them, just to know that you DID it is sometimes enough to get back in the groove. And remember: this blog is a space just for you, so try to think of it as a source of solace in your uprooted life.

    I hope my little spiel provided you with some form of support. Just know that as one of your readers, I'm endlessly inspired by everything you've put out and continue to post, and I appreciate you coming forward with so much honesty. These types of posts make me remember why I love blogs in the first place, because there's a real human life behind those words.

    <3 KiKi of Cats in My Closet

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    1. thank you for your thoughtful words of understanding and advice! I really do need to 'force myself' to use my camera more these days! <3

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  9. It takes bravery to share this. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice or encouragement, but I think you should know that being vulnerable is never something you should regret. I don't know if you're religious, but I'll keep you in my prayers. - Leah

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  10. (Ugh, I think Blogger ate my previous comment. It went something like this:)

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Having lived abroad by myself I know how isolated it can make you feel, and knowing how the language barrier is in Japan I can only imagine how much harder it can be for you. I think you're going in the right direction though, taking good care of yourself is the most important thing right now and I'm sure all the rest will follow soon.
    Have you considered doing language exchange? My brother did this when he first moved to Bangkok and it really helped him get acquainted with local friends. There are plenty of ads around (those on japan-guide.com come to mind) and it may be a good reason to leave the house and meet someone for a while.

    Hope you have a great relaxing time back home!

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    1. Thank you! That's I good idea! I'm just so shy it's hard to want to, but I'm sure it could only lead to good things! I did find a once a week community center Japanese class in my neighborhood that I go to- My Japanese is so limited it's pretty much a language exchange except I'm paying for it. ha. <3

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  11. Sounds very difficult. I always love all the photos posted on your blog, but you do whatever you need to do. I like reading what you write though so if you want to do that instead, you still have readers (or at least one).
    +Victoria+

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  12. Oh! You moved to Tokyo! That's incredible! What a big change. Even if it's a dream come true, I know full well what a shock it can be to the system. I moved to England for 7 months (wish it had been permanent) and I was so out of it for like 2 months of it. I also hear you on the weird blog-killing mind fog. I blame it on my dog's death in February, but I've heard similar things from a lot of bloggers this year. It's just been hard to get up and going. Blogs are tons of work and if the inspiration is not there or the self-doubt is pushing in, it's nearly impossible to keep posting and creating. I'm really hard on my photo quality. I just can't seem to figure out lighting and white balance. Personally, I feel guilty about not posting more often, especially since I really do love the creative outlet. I'm hoping I will feel refreshed in the New Year.

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  13. I hope you feel better since you posted this! I know exactly how you felt/still feel. I live and Work in Nagasaki. Luckily, theres a big ALT community here, but even sometimes it gets frustrating. I feel disconnected from them and from Japanese culture. Nagasaki is so small there is rarely anything new to do and I'm stuck visiting the same place, with nowhere to run away to, even for a day. People think Japan is this haven on earth and that it's easy to move here, but that's not really the case. Don't worry about feeling guilty, like your wasting your time being sad. People can be sad but still appreciate their life and place in it. I really really hope you feel better! Drop a message if you ever need anything! Nagasaki is far from Tokyo, but it's still in Japan!

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